I puked a lego.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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