Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
