I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
