you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just want to make out with him forever
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
