Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
