rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
