I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
love makes seman taste better
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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