I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
