No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
