Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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