Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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