I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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