I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
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The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
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Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
my poor anus
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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