remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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