It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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