so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize