This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
