i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's rum buckets o'clock
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
