I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
