im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My ATM looks so different sober.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
