tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
