As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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