You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
