I cannot find my penis.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
40s are totally the cure
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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