Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
