dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
