Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I checked into jail on foursquare
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
