I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
