and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
