I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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