have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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