He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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