i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
