I CAN MOONWALK!
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
