I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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