my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
