I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize