my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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