I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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