obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
