I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
