I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
