it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.