my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
