i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
