i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
