I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
