so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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