Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Randomize
