I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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