you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
