its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
