Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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