What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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