You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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