I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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