i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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