Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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