He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
